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something to a few well-placed ba bandages wouldn't fix and i promised myself i wouldn't cry. i was captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! tephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. please. so nice to have you.
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thank you so much. it's wonderful to be with you here tonight on my birthday! ( cheers and applause ). wow. blind adulation. it's what i've always wanted. and, folks, when i woke up this morning, there was another fantastic gift underneath my birthday tree. and, yes, i have a birthday tree. why should jesus be the only one? and this morning i unwrapped a beautiful box of crippling scandal for the obama administration. first up, benghazi. how bad is it, folks? nation, you better sit down and buckle up because you should not be standing while watching tv in the car. now, everyone knows this was an unquestionable tragedy where four americans lost their lives in what we now know were vicious
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terrorist attacks. but listen to how obama callously described them the next day. >> no acts of terror will ever shake the resolve of this great nation. >> stephen: what? acts of terror? they were terrorist attacks. am i the only one who feels this way? darell issa. >> an act of terror is different than terrorist attack. >> stephen: yes. they're totally different. you say potato, i say what do the po-tah-toe know and when did he know it? now the only people who have been talking about this story for the past seven months have been me and fox news. but from the rest of television and radio, silence. jim? >> across the mainstream media it was a collective yawn in response to yesterday's benghazi coverage. >> why are the media ignoring new details about what happened the night of the benghazi attack? >> the media is really president
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obama's scandal condom. no matter how rough things get, nothing gets through. >> stephen: greg's right. the media is obama's scandal condom and no matter how rough fox news slams this story to the hilt, they still have real trouble infecting america with their news herpes. but acts of terror, terrorist attack, is that really the scandal here? no. that's just semantics. this is also about the words people used. let me set the stage, folks. this attack came two months before the election. and obama could not have an al qaeda attack on his watch when he's the one who personally strangled bin laden with one of his shoe laces. i believe that's what he claims. so talking points were generated by who knows that did not mention al qaeda. who scrubbed the memos? white house press secretary jay carney, dance for your supper.
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>> the white house and state department have made clear that the single adjustment that was made to those talking points by either of these two institutions were changing the word "consulate" to "diplomatic facility." >> stephen: wow. consulate to diplomatic facility. wow, they really have a way with the language ewen is. so the white house and the state department just changed one word. hmmmm. let me just change one word. liar. jim? >> today abc news has exclusively obtained 12 versions of the talking points showing they went through extensive edits. the early drafts pointed to evidence that an al qaeda a fill rated group took part in the attack and that the c.i.a. had warned about al qaeda threats in benghazi. >> the talking pointsham undergone 12 different revisions including extensive edits by the state department. >> 12 crafts. that's worse than a cover-up folks. that's overthinking. you have to write from the
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heart. and the reason these talking points are so important is that they take us back to the moment this cover-up started. when u.n. ambassador susan rice went on the sunday talk shows to say the attacks were spontaneously inspired by the protests at the u.s. embassy in cairo which were over an offensive you-tube video about mohammed but thanks to jonathan carl we now know that the original c.i.a. memo said their best guess was that the attacks were spontaneously inspired by the protests at the u.s. embassy in cairo as did every other version of the memo. that does not help my argument. so forget that part. just remember this. they took out any mention of al qaeda and removed all the c.i.a. warnings of imminent threat. bottom line. susan rice went on the sunday shows and, for political reasons, was not completely accurate about something in the middle east.
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you would never see a republican do something like that. folks, benghazi isn't even the best. i mean, worst scandal to hit the administration today. >> the white house also had to respond today to another fire storm. the admission by the i.r.s. that it gave extra scrutiny to organizations with the words, quote, tea party or, quote, patriot in their titles when they were applying for tax-exempt status. >> as early as march 2010 the cincinatti field office which was put in charge of evaluating applications for tax-exempt status began searching for groups with politically identifiable names. according to the "washington post" of the 298 groups selected for special scrutiny 72 had the words "tea party" in their title >> stephen: the i.r.s. owes an apology to every tea party group in america including suzy johnson and her eight stuffed animals. folks, oh, they're coming for her. folks, this is a new low for the
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i.r.s. what's next? making g.e. pay taxes? folks, there is only one way to describe a scandal this hot. >> this should send a chill up your spine. >> it is absolutely chilling that the i.r.s. was singling out conservative groups for extra review. >> the a.c.l.u. is talking about how chilling this is. >> this is chilling. stephen: it's chilling which also describes the champagne i've been waiting to break out for just this scandal. ( cheers and applause ). because... ( cheers and applause ). folks, this proves that everything i've ever said about
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obama is true. so it's official. he's a secret muslim, shape-shifting alien from kenya who is coming for our guns and bo is a member of the illuminati. folks, of course, the biggest victim here, i'm sad to proudly say, is me. you see, the tax exemptions at issue were for nonprofit groups known as 501 c-4s like cross roads g.p.s. long-time viewers will remember my love of explaining that these groups do not have to disclose their donors and are allowed to take part in political activities but their primary purpose must to be proceed at the time social welfare. for example, karl rove's crossroads g.p.s. works to promote social welfare by campaigning to eliminate welfare. of course, the most famous 501 c-4 of all is colbert superpac
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s-h-h. you remember our motto: making a better tomorrow, tomorrow. well, the i.r.s. must know our motto too because they were caught singling out 501 c-4 applications that included phrases like "make america a better place to live." i bet they also singled out organizations that claimed a ham as a dependent. we'll be right back.
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>> stephen: welcome barks everybody. thanks so much. nation, never throw caution to the wind. it will whip back in your eyes and blind you. this is the threatdown. ( cheers and applause ). folks, anybody who watches this show knows for years now i've been warning that gay marriage is taking over the nation. last week delaware and rhode island legalized it. when those two states do something, the rest of the nation takes notice and says, "oh, yeah, i've heard of those states. "well now brace yourself. because the epidemic is spreading. >> the french parliament approved same sex marriage making france the 14th country to do so. >> stephen: which brings me to threat number 3. planet gay. here we go, folks. first, they tell us the earth's
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not flat. now we're finding out it's not straight either. i don't know why i'm surprised by the news in france anything goes. freaky three ways, beauties shacking up with beasts, candelabras getting busy with feather dusters. no, i will not be your guest. thank you very much. next up, folks, i don't have to tell you that america has lost its moral footing. trust me, you don't want to know where that foot has been. sadly, these forces of corruption aren't just content with keeping us down. now, they also want to keep us up. >> getting that little blue pill is easier than ever. >> pfizer is going to start offering it for sale on the web direct to consumers. >> it's the first time a prescription drug is being sold directly by the manufacturer. >> stephen: that's right. now you can order viagra online straight from the manufacturer on the world wide web.
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which brings me to threat number 2. worldwide wood. look,... ( cheers and applause ). look, folks. i'm no preud. i don't care where you get your boner pill. but ordering viagra directly from pfizer is a job-killer for all the people you meet every day in your emails. honest, hard working americans like canyon gregarious, hesbert c question mark and however you pronounce this. these folks are just trying to put food on the table for their families by making you "last hard long so ladies go want more on sex time." is that so hard to understand? where are these people going to find jobs now? all they know how to do is flood your inbox with unwanted pleas for money. and the last time i checked, the obama campaign's not hiring
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anymore. finally, folks, you don't get those emails? finally, if you don't know by now that bears are godless killing machines, chances are you've been living in a cave in which case you have probably been eaten by a bear. but as if these salmon-slaughterers weren't terrifying enough, new reports refeel that russian bears are hooked on jet fuel which they have taken to huffing from old barrels until they get woozy and dig shallow holes where they pass out. that's right. ( cheers and applause ). that's right. bears are getting hella crunked which brings us to the number one threat: junkie bears. today these bears are chasing
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the unleaded dragon in eastern russia's kronotsky nature reserve. but it's only a matter of time before your child gets a 14-hour bedtime story read to it by a tweaked-out teddy ruxpin. no surprise, folks, these photos of man's only predator junked out on gas fumes have gone viral on the internet. and those pictures are going to follow them forever. good landing that internship at j.p. morgan now, gentle ben. it's only a matter of time before this bear stoner culture spreads and we start seeing movies like bearoal and kumar devour everyone in a white castle. we'll be right back.
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guests tonight have written a book about being rescued from somali pirates. i'm going to ask what it's like to meet johnny depp. please welcome jessica buchanan and eric landemalm. ( cheers and applause ). thank you. thanks so much for being on. >> thank you for having us. stephen: now, you have a new book called "impossible odds" the kidnapping of jessica buchanan and her dramatic rescue
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by seal team six. set the table for us here. where were you and why? >> well, i was in somalia. stephen: why? that is not usually a vacation destination. >> it's actually very beautiful. stephen: is it really? it is actually. stephen: but people get kidnappedded there. >> well, they're starting to, yes. anyway, so eric and i, we are humanitarian aid workers. i'm a teacher by profession. he's a human rights lawyer. we were there doing humanitarian aid work. >> stephen: and how long had you been there before you were kidnapped? >> well, we were living in the northern part of somalia which is safer. definitely. so i had traveled down into southern somalia for my organization to do some training and things for my staff. in the place where i was kidnapped i was only about a day. >> stephen: you had just gotten there. when did you know that you were being kidnapped by pirates? >> i didn't know i was being kidnapped by pirates for a
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while. >> stephen: really? you actually were kidnapped before you were realized you were being kidnapped? >> i realized that i was being kidnapped. that was about it. i didn't know it was al shabab or pirates. i didn't know if they were gangsters or who it was. >> stephen: was this on a boat? this was not on a boat. stephen: so these were land pirates, the rare land pirate. were you with her when she was kidnapped? >> no, no, i was about four hours' drive, driving north of where jessica set the time. >> stephen: i didn't hear much about this story back in the united states. was there much reporting and i just missed it? >> no, no, we tried to keep it as dark as possible. >> stephen: you didn't want reporting on it. >> nothing. stephen: why? honestly, we wanted to have control over the situation. once it reaches good people like yourself, you never know what will happen. >> stephen: you specifically
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kept me from finding out about it. >> right. stephen: you know i would have flown over there myself and kicked a little ass. okay. how long were you? >> 93 days. stephen: what were the conditions you were living under. >> terrible. mine it was like the most extreme camping experience you could ever have. i mean i'm a humanitarian aid worker but i'm not much of a camperment it was sleeping on the ground under trees out at night eating tuna fish out of a can with a tamp onapplicator as a utensil. being surrounded by 26 men 24 hours a day for 93 days. >> stephen: what were they asking for? >> they started the ransom at $45 million. the reasoning behind that was, you know, the somali culture works in a way that they all come together and contribute. so it's a clan system. they figure america works that way too. how many millions of people are in america? all they had had to do was pitch
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in a dollar and then boom. >> stephen: they thought we'd pass a hat around in america and send them $45 million? >> yes. stephen: did you end up raising any money? >> no. stephen: did you tell them we're raising the money. >> of course. stephen: we're like at 30 mill right now. >> down to 18 million. stephen: you evaluated. eventually it went down further. >> stephen: did you ever make any sort of connection with them? people talk about stockholm syndrome. i know you're from sweden so you must have it all the time. did you have it at all? did you sympathize with them at all? >> i'm an aid worker so there is a level of sympathizer with them. i mean that's why i was there in the first place because i wanted to help the somali people. however, i didn't want to sit there and live with them in the desert for endless periods of time. >> stephen: what was the rescue like? >> it was crazy. stephen: what did you think was happening? >> i thought i was being rekidnapped by another group.
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>> stephen: does that happen a lot? >> that happens. stephen: you're a commodity. not only were they trying to keep from being attacked by the american military or other military they were trying to keep us as hostages away from other groups. i thought we were being kidnapped by an extreme group linked to al qaeda. i'm laying there. there's gun fire going on. i'm hearing people die around me. it's like the most... it's like a hollywood movie. and i'm thinking, okay, either i'm going to get shot in the head and this is really over or i'm going to get rekidnapped. i'm never going to survive this. >> stephen: when did you know it was the good guys? >> not until they grabbed me and they said my name. they said jessica. we're the american military. we're here to save you. we're going to take you home. you're safe. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: and then in the helicopter... ( cheers and applause ). do you still live overseas? are you still in a dangerous
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area? >> no. stephen: where are you now? we live outside of washington d.c. >> stephen: you still live near ruthless thieves. >> but we're living in a place where the authorities actually do something. so we feel okay. >> stephen: you have a kid now. we do. ( applause ) >> stephen: thank you. that was a good question. is having a newborn sometime like being kidnapped by pirates? at least you have some sleep back then. >> not exactly. i have to say he's a lot cuter than the pie ras. >> stephen: do you think you'll ever do back and do this kind of work again. >> yeah. , we kind of... not in somalia. stephen: you know, there are some poor people in british virgin islands as well. in the caribbean. thank you so much for joining me. thank you so much. eric, jessica.
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the book is impossible odds. we'll be right back. p$lop%elbd(o
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captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause). >> jon: welcome to "the daily show"! my name is jon stewart. we have a great show for you tonight. our guest tonight: j.j. abrams is going to be joining us. he's the guy in charge of the newest "star trek" movie coming out. soon he'll be in charge of the "star wars" movies and yet for some reason all of my questions: why did felicity cut her snare

The Colbert Report
Comedy Central May 14, 2013 7:00pm-7:31pm PDT

Jessica Buchanan and Erik Landemalm News/Business. Jessica Buchanan, Erik Landemalm. (2013) Jessica Buchanan and Erik Landemalm. (CC)

TOPIC FREQUENCY America 7, Us 6, Somalia 4, Obama 3, Jessica 3, The U.s. 2, Pfizer 2, Stephen 2, Cairo 2, France 2, Jessica Buchanan 2, Utensil 1, Eric 1, Al Qaeda 1, Ben 1, United States 1, Is Me 1, Kenya 1, Canyon Gregarious 1, Pirate 1
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Duration 00:31:00
Rating PG-13;L
Scanned in San Francisco, CA, USA
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Pixel width 528
Pixel height 480
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on 5/15/2013